Why adoption?

I get an immense amount of sympathy. Usually from people that I've just met. Usually, these people make assumptions.

When I hear the words: "Can I ask you a personal question?" coming out of the mouth of someone I met a few minutes ago, I cringe. I cringe because I immediately know that this person is going to ask an extremely personal question. An irrelevant question and that has nothing to do with them.

And then it comes: "Did you struggle to fall pregnant?"

The reality is, no. We never tried to fall pregnant. Adoption was our first choice. I never had to deal with infertility issues. I'm lucky. But there are so many women out there who weren't as lucky as me. Women who tried everything to be able to carry a miracle inside their bodies. Women who have grieved losses that some of us will never understand. To some of these women, adoption wasn't their first choice. It was a last resort to have a family.

It doesn't matter why someone chose adoption. It doesn't take away from the fact that a new family was brought together through this act. Adoption is a gift that God gave so that people can understand how He adopted us through Christ. How we became fully His children.

Did you know that in many countries you are allowed to write biological children out of your will, but not adopted children? Adopted children become so much your own that you can't distance yourself from them from a legal perspective.

I believe that adoption, even with all the loss and heartache attached, is beautiful. Adopting a child is just as special as starting a family any other way. I often say that I could not have given birth to a child more my own that little Levi. He is so much more than I could ever have dreamt of. He is fully and completely mine. When I look into his eyes, I don't see my own reflected in them, but I see love. I see a love that is stronger than biology because it was a choice.

The meeting

On 9 September 2015, a beautiful little boy was born in Johannesburg. He was immediately taken to an adoption home where he was assigned to a Gogo to give him individual attention and love.

This little boy's mom had made the decision before he was born. He was to be placed for adoption. However, the social workers of Joburg Child Welfare worked with the mom for a few months to ensure that she was making the best decision for her and her boy.

Eventually, she signed over her parental rights. This was the best decision she knew to make for her boy. She still had two months to change her mind and revoke the adoption order.

She never did.

On a sunny day in April 2016, my phone rang and I recognised the number of the social worker assigned to our case. There was a boy available, would we like to meet him. That was easily the scariest and most exciting moment of my life. Two days later, after not being able to sleep, my husband and I drove silently to the adoption home. The little conversation that we made on the drive just confirmed both of our nervousness. Questions like: "What if this tiny human didn't like us?" Irrational emotions and fears, but emotions and fears nonetheless.



The adoption home has a protocol for meeting possible placements. The family was to wait in the sitting room for the social worker, who would get the baby and introduce him to the family. This protocol did not happen that morning. When we arrived, there was a lot of commotion going on. We introduced ourselves and a care worker came and handed the baby over to me. I looked at him, and he looked at me as if equally confused and overwhelmed. I asked the caseworker what his name was. She answered: "Levi," as she made her way back to the other babies.

The adoption home did not know that that was the name we had chosen. How could that be his name?

I stopped another care worker and asked the same question. Same answer. I was truly overwhelmed with emotion.

Our social worker arrived, having been kept at the office with an emergency. She was clearly upset that we had already met baby Levi, but nothing was to be done, and we carried on with the formalities. Paperwork had to be done. I asked her what the baby's name was. "Levaughn," she smiles.

A name that was so close to the one we had chosen, long before he was even born. He already responded to Levi, since the accents that the care workers pronounced his name with, was so similar.

"Do you accept him?" Our social worker asked this bizarre question.

"Of course!" We had finally met our little boy!

Mother's day

Right now, somewhere in the big city of Johannesburg, there is a young woman. She is feeling afraid and alone and she is facing one of the biggest decisions she will ever have to make. This decision will not only impact her life forever, but also the lives of many other people. You see, this young woman is pregnant. She realised that she probably cannot take care of a baby and is struggling with a decision on whether to keep the baby, abort, or give it up for adoption. She will decide on adoption and this baby will become our son. Her brave, difficult decision will mean the start of our family.

Today was mother's day. A few people congratulated me on this day, even though I am not a mom yet. They are excited and happy for us and the family we are soon to have. It is doubtful that anyone congratulated the young woman who will soon give up her baby. It is doubtful that she will ever live through another mother's day and be blissfully happy, as she will always long for the child that she could not keep. And every mother's day, my heart will break for her. She will make an amazing sacrifice to give her child a life that she cannot provide for him and I think that she should be honoured for this. Whatever her circumstances, or the reason behind this decision, I cannot believe that it can be easy.

Thank you for giving me the greatest gift, my child's life!

The first interview

As we were driving into the city to meet our social worker I was feeling anxious. I kept thinking about how first impressions last and how we would soon be meeting the lady who would decide if we are fit to be parents. Who would decide if we are going to have a baby, or not.

At the orientation it was mentioned that we should be about 30 minutes early for our meeting, as parking in Johannesburg can be a nightmare. We arrived at the offices about two minutes before nine. Our meeting was scheduled for nine. The receptionist would not even listen to my husband announcing that we had an appointment before she had helped (counselled?) two other people. I kept worrying that our social worker would think that we were late and not serious about this. We waited a while longer for her to come fetch us. When she eventually came out, I realised that all my worries had been for nothing.  She was warm, friendly and inviting. She immediately made me feel at ease.

The interview didn't take nearly as long as I had expected. It was also not as intrusive as I had been led to believe that these interviews can be. After reading various blogs, I was expecting old wounds to be opened and a lot of tears. She asked about our childhoods and our relationship with our families. She asked about friends and support systems and elaborated a bit about the difficulties some families face when they go through a transracial adoption and how easy it is for the child to feel like an outsider in all-white families. Since we already have people of colour in our family and friendship circles, she felt quite comfortable to give us a baby. I asked about the age of the baby, because, being first-time parents, we want to be part of as many milestones in our baby's life as possible. She agreed with this and also mentioned that, because we're still young, she thinks that we would cope with a young baby. I also mentioned the fact that we are specifically looking to adopt a boy. I expected a totally different reaction! Instead she responded that they were happy about this, as so many other couples request girls.

As we were walking out, two toddlers were in the hallway. Both of them girls. One of the little girls was walking in the wrong direction and I helped her to turn around. She immediately took my hand and would not let go. She must have heard me saying that I can't see myself raising a girl!

The next step in the process is to have a medical assessment done. We were given a list of practitioners that work with the agency and will make an appointment soon.

We are so happy that the process is officially on the way. Now to start stocking up on nappies and wet-wipes!

The first step

Today officially marks the first step in our adoption journey. After basic inquiries in November and a preliminary background form, we were invited to an orientation day through the agency.

The session today was extremely informative. The social workers spoke about every aspect of adoption and welcomed questions from the couples in attendance. I was happy to find the two social workers as very warm, open and approachable people. They made us feel at ease, while explaining the good and possible bad about adoption.

They started the session by telling us more about the agency. We have chosen to work though Johannesburg Child Welfare (http://www.jhbchildwelfare.org.za/). They receive about thirty abandoned babies every month. They also work with birth mothers who consent to give their baby up for adoption, children taken away from their families for various reasons, as well as child-headed households. The City of Johannesburg places most of these children in the care of Johannesburg Child Welfare.

In the five hour session, we came to understand the process of adoption better. There are no set rules about the length of time or number of interviews, as there are many factors that can influence this. We expect to be busy with the screening process for at least four months, but it could be a year. We will attend a number of interviews with the social worker assigned to us- anything from 4 to 6, or more- each lasting two to three hours. Apart from these interviews, we have do undergo a basic medical assessment, to check for underlying chronic conditions or disease that we are unaware of. We will also have a psychological assessment done, as well as a marriage assessment. Some people seem to find this process very intrusive. I suppose it can be, but these social workers need to make decisions that are in the best interest of the children in their custody. They need all the information that they can get about the families that want to adopt the children.

In South Africa, the Child Protection Act requires all persons who work with children to get a clearance from the police stating that they are not registered on the National Child Protection Register, as well as that they do not have a criminal record.

The social worker will also do a home visit and screen our support system. They explained how important our support system is and we are confident that the people close to us are just as excited about our baby as we are.

The inevitable race discussion also came up. Since we are applying for a transrace (or transculture) adoption, we need to be prepared for different reactions and questions, not only from strangers, but also from our child. I am glad that I already started reading some books and blogs and have been fairly prepared for all the questions and reactions up to this point. We are privileged to know another couple who have adopted two beautiful babies through transrace adoption and have already started to spend time with them. The social workers also referred us to a group of parents who have gone through the process and meet on a regular basis.

We are confident that we will find favour through the process and that God will give us our child at the right time, whether in four months time, or in a year's time. The process sounds daunting, but exciting at the same time!

(This photo was borrowed from Door of Hope Children' Mission. Please visit their website: http://www.doorofhope.co.za/ or facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/doorofhopeSA/info?tab=overview and make a donation!)

The start of an adventure!

My husband and I have decided that it is time to start a family. After almost six years of marriage, the idea of having a baby really, to be honest, scared us. We have often spoken about adoption, and suddenly it just felt right. The more we considered the idea, the more we felt that this is what God wants for our lives.

With the decision made and an agency chosen, it was time to announce this huge step in our lives. For the most part, our friend's and family's responses were positive. Our close friends and family have come to know us for people who don't usually do things in the normal way and their excitement for us added to our joy.

Adoption is a beautiful concept. A verse that really spoke to us during the decision was James 1:26-27. The verse speaks about pure religion and how this consists of caring for orphans and widows. Also, Eph 1:5, which speaks about how God predestined us for adoption to sonship. Adoption is an integral part of Christianity.

We will soon attend an orientation day which will provide more information, especially regarding transracial adoption. We have filled in the application forms and cannot wait to submit them. We have been warned that the process could take a while, but we are confident that we will be parents before the end of the year.

What an exciting adventure!

(thanks http://nerdigurumi.com/2012/03/cyclops-monster-baby-booties-with-pattern.html for the super cute booties image! Our baby room is going to be monster themed...)